Behind Blue Eyes
by Lenari
Summary: Such a boy, such a man, so mine to want but not to have. Darkfic, slash, bunch of swears. Set during the season finale for season two. Written for Kim


Disclaimers: None of these characters belong to me. This is just my psycho little interpretation if their feelings. Just a little one-shot that's been bugging me since the season finale. Don't come and want to murder me, because if you can handle seeing people get cut up and that Ava turned out to be Avery the transsexual, then you can handle a little slash, okay?

Archive: So not going to happen, but just in case: sure, but ask first. You can email me at or at

Rating: PG-13. It was R, but after reviewing I realized it's not that bad. Plus I needed to add it to my C2 community. Speaking of which, if you want to join Slash-Angst-Obsession, please e-mail me or tell me so in your review so I can add you. :D

Summary: Such a boy, such a man, so mine to want but not to have.

Behind blue eyes

I'm walking down the street with my eyes set firmly forward, the knife a heavy, burning weight in my hand as I try to hide it from the people that come near me. My mind races with wild thoughts and I'm surprised at the things I'm actually admitting to myself just now.

I have to be honest. I have no idea how this got like this. It all started simply, just her and me, two people who loved each other and show it in the most intimate way possible. Then he came along and fucked it all up and I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Him. Matt. I have to admit that I was interested in him for myself at first, because he was cute and naïve and smart all at the same time. But when he started getting interested in her, my anger and jealousy flared. Not only because I consider her my property, but because I was interested in him.

I told her about it. I still don't know why I did it. But as soon as she knew that he'd piqued my interest, she made her move. She tends to do that. If I want something, she'll go for it. At first, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but when I came home and heard them moaning in my bedroom I got so pissed I couldn't take it anymore. My woman and the guy I was interested in were sleeping together.

I asked her to end it. I gave her hundreds of reasons of why he couldn't be the man for her. Of how I was the man for her. Because I am. I am all she needs. I'm the one who's been taking care of her since we left Dad. He can never be the man for her, because he's the man for me.

Ironic, isn't it? My falling for the man, or more accurately, boy, that has been making my life a living hell for the past months. All the time we argued, passion blazed in my eyes, and a rush of heat spread through my veins, my blood boiling. But he didn't give a damn. Those enticingly dark eyes of his told me as much.

How can I do this to myself? Want someone so much while hating him at the same time. It's so frustrating, the way I want to kill him one minute, then bed him the next. And his attitude isn't helping much, either. One minute he yells at me, the next minute he's looking at me with his smoldering eyes and all I can do is melt.

Sometimes I wonder if I've showed him how I feel. I know that my eyes linger on him a bit too long sometimes, and the whole licking and nervously biting my bottom lip really doesn't help. Then again, he thinks I hate him, which I do, so I doubt he suspects about the other half of my feelings for him.

Everything is so complicated now. Everyone falling in love, everyone hating each other, secrets being revealed every day, each one worse than the last. When she told me about Christian being Matt's real father, I wasn't as surprised as I thought I would be. Maybe deep down I always knew. I mean, Sean's too tame to be Matt's father. Matt's more like Christian: hot, sexual, passionate, brave, impulsive. Everything I've ever wanted. Everything I could possible need.

He's the most incredible person on this planet. And I wish I had time to tell him that. To press my lips to his just once before it is all over. But I know I can't. Because once I taste him, I'll never be able to let him go. So I'll keep on walking to my final destination.

Speaking of which, I've walked here faster than I ever thought I could. I stand before the door, my right arm behind my back, and I see her packing. She can't be seriously thinking about leaving me, is she? And if she is, she can't take him with her. I need him too much.

Ah, what do I care anyway? I have the power to end this and I soon will. It will be like none of this ever happened, and he'll go on with his life like he never knew me. Like he never looked into these tormented blue eyes of mine and never read my desire as they darkened. Such a boy, such a man, so mine to want but not to have.

She looks up at me; that forced smile of hers plastered to her face like she knows no other expression. She begins babbling about how we're going to go off together to Paris, just the two of us. My voice sounds broken as I ask about Matt, but she's too desperate to notice. She can sense something's wrong, so she uses every breath to try to subdue me.

She assures me that she broke it off with him, that we'll be together forever now, that we won't have to keep on running, but I'm too tired of believing her. When she hugs me, my mind goes blank, but my arm dutifully comes from my back, knife clutched tightly in my palm, and it hovers as if deciding which of us to kill.

I intended to kill her, but I can't. Not because I care about her, but because I don't. I've suffered so much for her, and as I stand here I realize the only person I care about anymore is him. Since I can't have him, there is nothing more to think about. I know what I have to do.

My right arm moves swiftly, and all I hear is a strangled gasp. Horrified, I realize that it came from me. My thoughts are racing now, and I don't know what to do. She notices and lets me fall to the floor, gasping and crying, and I can feel the life being slowly drained out of me. She keeps crying, chanting "no, no" all over again as she cradles my head, and it's then I know I've reached my end.

But I don't feel pain. And I'm not scared. Because no matter what happens, I will always have him with me, even if I never physically possessed him. I close my eyes. The sounds around me slowly fade away, and instants later, it's all over.

A/N: Dark, slashy, short. Just like I like it. But I don't know if you do, so please review on your way out and let me know if I should try something a bit longer.


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